I have always considered myself a pretty level headed guy. I think I’ve said this before. Little things rarely get to me, and I normally take the big things in stride.
The last two months (and maybe I’ve already talked about this), I’ve been worrying about things that haven’t happened and probably never will. Things like servers going down so badly that I can’t recover from it (which would take a lot). It’s literally gotten to the point that I find myself waking up at 4:00am and running some obscure backup to some remote location.
I’m not entirely sure where it’s coming from. Maybe it’s from the larger clients I’m now working for. Maybe the anxiety is remnants of the high-stress life I was living back in May. Maybe it’s the new car, home, and family I will be deciding on over the next year. Maybe I’m sick. In any case, I’ve started worrying about worry, which is very very bad, especially for someone who relies heavily on logic to maintain his sanity.
In any case, something strange happened today, which makes this all the weirder for me.
Lately, I haven’t been feeling the drive to go to church that I normally do. I don’t think it has anything to do with my relationship with God. I think it’s just been me needing the sleep. I even feel that my prayer life has improved over the summer, which is a good thing. It’s what I’ve needed to work on.
In any case, I decided to go to church because I was going to have to run up there anyway to drop off the 2007 come to camp promo video. Like I said, I hadn’t really been going much lately, so I was shocked to discover a few things like the youth room had gotten built pretty dang fast (it’s not done, but it has a roof!). I didn’t know what the sermon would be on. In fact, I didn’t even know who was preaching that day (which is something I normally know before choosing what service to attend).
In any case, strange enough: the topic was on Worry.
Now, when you’ve been telling the people closest to you that you think there is something wrong with you, and that you’ve been worrying about it… It hits home hard when they then look over at you and smile because they know that the sermon of the day is directed at you. And it was just that: a sermon written to address what I’ve been feeling for the last month.
I’d go into all the details of the sermon, but really, the point is: I heard it loud and clear… I had misplaced my focus, and it was time to switch it back.
So, after church, I had planned on dropping off the dvd and heading home to watch the Nascar race. Instead though, I decided it would be best to serve God by helping run the sound board at the event that was going on after church. I must admit: I had this nagging feeling that something was going to go wrong with the servers or something, but I let my focus stay on God, and slowly, it dwindled.
The group sharing went off without a hitch, and I got in my car to go home, feeling strangely calm again, and turning on the race to listen to it. When I got home, I went straight downstairs to turn on the TV and finish watching the race. I hadn’t even noticed that the computer that was right in front of me was frozen solid.
I rebooted my PC and two things happened that had it happened yesterday I would have been freaking out over… The first thing: I heard an all to familiar *click click click*. The second thing: my raid card failed to startup. Normally my reaction is “oh shit”, but instead, I simply opened up my computer, found out what drive was dead, and headed to Best Buy to find a new one (No, I don’t normally shop at Best Buy… Only when I’m in dire need of a replacement part).
I came home, popped the new drive in, and 6 hours later (it takes awhile to restore a 500GB raid), the computer booted and all was back to normal. I didn’t even sit there and watch it for 6 hours, I went and enjoyed dinner with my family and then some time with my girlfriend. All in all… it was relatively relaxing.
I must admit, that now that I’m writing about it, I can feel the worry trying to creep back into my mind. I just need to remember: It does not matter if I worry or not. It does not matter if I watch it constantly. God could kill me now. So why not focus on end game, and not the stuff attacking on a day to day basis? Live your life with eternity in mind… not the next 0 to 100 years.