So today got off to a rough start, but I am willing to let that go because it shouldn’t be allowed to have an impact on my life or on my day. To make the long story short: I missed an exam due to sleep, gas, and lack of preperation. Luckily, I can drop one. This is good. This is great! I owe someone for this.
I spent some time at church cleaning and talking with Derek. I always enjoy my chats with him. A new youth website will be coming soon which is good for everyone. I won’t have to write the code this time and it will have more features than the last site. Another minor advantage is that I might get a database back on my server. If thats the case, I might start some freelance coding again, but I don’t really have the time for that either so, odds are the old website will stay until I get bored or really need the server space. Either way, the new site rocks, I can’t wait to see what kind of response the youth group gets back from it.
7th Heaven/Everwood night got moved to my house on the account of dust. Maria and Nikki enjoyed there juice and ice cream. It has been awhile since anyone has done anything at my house, so this is cool. Nikki took her couch back and im wondering if now everytime she comes over if I will be both pillowless and blanketless… Maybe it’s time to get more pillows and blankets in the room :-).
The rest of the night was spent on aim and on writing. Mentally, I am out to fight an inner being that I know not how to get rid of. We are going to start today by just telling him to go away. So.. Here we go:
So we meet again oh voice.
I’ve called you here to expose you.
You aren’t that big. I can barely see you. I suppose this is why you can’t be seen by anyone else. But your voice is big and booming. It reminds me of fingers on a chalk board. It has that ability to draw my attention away from whatever it is I am doing and focus only on what you want me to focus on. Its like seeing someone famous speak to you and hanging on every word they speak. But then you realize, that what the person is saying is not what you want. I don’t want what you want. I want more than what you want me to have. You only show yourself to me when you think its a good idea for me to not do something, but really, your from the old school. You grew up doing everything right. You grew up never in a fight. You never lost focus. You were never wrong. But all that came at a price. You could not afford it on your own, so you took it out of me. You took what was right in me, and told me I could not have it. You took my abilities and said they were wrong. Anytime I try to use those abilities, you distract me and tell me what I am doing is wrong. Sometimes, even when I know your wrong, its already to late. Just by distracting my attention to you, you cost me the ability to act. You’ve been trained to insure I can’t go wrong. You’ve been trained to make sure, I can’t go right. You’ve been trained, to hold me back.
Now I want you to go away. If you leave me alone, I can act. If you leave me alone, I will be free. Let God decided what’s right for me, not you. Let his light guide my path, not you. Then maybe I will be free.